Lacuna
by stripedheart
Summary: A blank gap or missing part. unfinished
1. Intro

**this is a malex story...**

**alright, this is your warning. This is M, because of some hard stuff. i'm not going to ruin it, but there's some violence. ok, now that you've been warned, this story is made up of diary entries, letters, memories, songfics, and just regular fic writing. this is my experimental story, and i tried everything. **

**also, i would really love reviews on this story, cuz im not sure how i feel about it. **

diary entires- **bold**

memories- _italics_

letters / songs- _**bold and italics**_

writing- normal

**and i wrote from like a gazillion characters' points of view, but you should be able to figure out who's POV it is. each chapter is basically in the POV of one character. **

_**so here goes. **_

do you ever feel like breaking down?

do you ever feel out of place?

like somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you?


	2. Marissa

**PART I: last night**

_d__o you ever wanna run away?_

_do you lock yourself in your room?_

_with the radio on turned up so loud that no one hears you screaming?_

**"What do you think your problem is Marissa?" **

**I've been seeing therapists for years now, and that seems to be their favorite question. I think its so that they have to do less work. They all expect me to know what my problem is. Isn't that what I'm coming to you for? If I knew what my problem is, don't you think I would fix it? Or at least cover it up so that my mom couldn't send me to therapy for it? But I just sit back in the chair, cross my legs and say "My problem is when people ask questions that they think they already know the answers to." **

**It takes them about five minutes to figure that one out and by the time they do, I've changed the subject to something much more interesting. Like my non-exisistent sexual problems. They don't know that I don't have any, but their not quite sure that I do. Especially the male ones. I don't know what it is about guys and sex, but when they see a beautiful girl they automatically think sex. Trust me, I've learned. And some of the girls aren't much better. **

**Alex was. **

**Sometimes when I'm sitting in those dark wood, heavy curtained, cool offices, I consider really telling them what my problems are. Its a flitting thought that barely passes through my brain, but just thinking about releasing all the stuff that I've jammed up inside me, it relaxes me. And sometimes, just when I'm about to break, sitting on the floor of my apartment, when all I can think about is how much I don't want to see the next day, I think about her. **

**I think about those short couple of weeks and all those mixed emotions and the fear that I harbored. And the passion, pure and released. The way she looked at me sometimes, like she really wanted me there. Maybe, she didn't feel like being with me was a guilty pleasure. That's the way Ryan looks at me. Like he can't help being in love with me and he would if he could. The kind of love that's forced and I hate him for loving me that way. I don't think she loved me that way. If she did, if she had, she wouldn't have looked at me like she did when she left. Like something was breaking. **

**That moment is one of my heartbreaking regrets in my life. Breaking up with her. You would think after a couple years I would let go, but she hangs in my mind. Her, that trip to TJ, and everything that was Volchok. I think that we could have been good, her and me. We were good. I just wish that I hadn't gotten so fucking terrified. When I think about her, it makes me sane for a little while.**

**Ryan and I got back together after she left, but I was bored and resentful and we broke up. Volchok wasn't much better. He was a release. I could be as fucking horrible, disgusting and fucked up as I wanted and he just shrugged it off. He didn't care. He couldn't care, not through his drug-induced haze. If my mom thought Alex was bad for me, I was going to show her what was really bad for me. **

**Drugs help. I hate to admit it, but they do. I take all of them that I can, but I always pass out before I can get high enough the forget about her. Maybe one day I won't wake up to thoughts of her, dreams slipping through my fingers. I don't know what it is about her that clings to me, sticks in my brain. It drives me crazy, trying to forget about her. She's not what makes me like this, she's not why I take these things, she's why I don't kill myself with them. I was messed up before she even came into my life and after she left, after I pushed her out, I just slipped right off the edge of the cliff that I had been dangling from.**

**I think about seeing her again all the time. She would hate me for doing this to myself, but since I never believe that I'll really see her again, I can do this. I can hurt myself. All the things that have built up in my heart hurt so much and so I hurt myself, because that kind of hurt doesn't touch me as much.**

**Summer tries to forget about me. But she loves me too much. She's my best friend and she does hate me for doing this to myself. She drags me to clinics and checks me in, but I always leave. Just walk out. I hate myself for hurting her like this. She wants me to be like I was before, before everything crashed. She wants me to be the maid of honor at her wedding. She told me once, but I was too fucked up to really pay attention. She cries a lot when she sees me. And I cry a lot when she leaves. **

**Seth comes with her sometimes, and I can see the pity in his eyes. I hate pity. God, I hate it. Ryan came once. I know he doesn't know how he feels about me and I could care less. All he holds for me now are regrets. **

**I'm tired of this. And there's nothing dramatic or horribly sad about it. I'm just utterly weak and tired and I want it to stop. There's nothing for me anymore. And yes, I know this selfish, I know, ok? But I am selfish. I am selfish and fucked up and tired. I'm too tired to think about all the pain that I'm going to cause. And to think about Summer and the way this will break her is almost pulling me back. It makes me think. But one person in my whole world is not enough to keep me here. So, that's why I'm dong this. I'm going to write my letter and take my pills and pick up that knife and then let go. And it doesn't scare me. I think that's why I know its time. **

**Marissa.**


	3. Marissa2

_no, you don't know what its like_

_when nothing feels alright_

_you don't know what its like_

_to be like me_

_**Summer, **_

_**I love you. **_

_**You are my best friend and I love you more than anybody in this whole world. I am so sorry for what I'm doing to you. You've been there for me through everything and I wish so much that I could do the same for you. I think you got some pretty bad luck, getting me as a friend. All I've done is hurt you. I wish so much that things could be different. For us, for me, for everybody. God, I'm so sorry.**_

_**I know you love Seth. I know he loves you. I can see it when you look at each other. I can see it in the way you touch each other, subtle things. I know that you're going to be so good together and I know your wedding is going to be perfect. And I know what you're thinking, but trust me, you will be fine without me. You'll be better without me. I'm barely even here now.**_

_**Ten years ago, in fourth grade, we were both ten. You were crying in a corner of the room for some reason and I walked over to try to make you feel better. I remeber you telling me that a boy had broken your heart and I told you that boys do that. And I said, "But don't worry, cuz girls can be best friends and they never hurt each other." **_

_**But I hurt you Summer, I hurt you so much and I hate myself. I wish I never... I wish that I could make everything better. I can't. I know things will never be like that ever again and I think that the best way to fix things is to go.**_

_**Do you remember in junior high when we skipped class to go to that fashion show up in LA? We got a cab and ate lunch at that fancy resturaunt and the waiters thought we were gonna dine and dash so they hung around our table the whole time. And then you pulled out your father's credit card and they practically fell over their feet trying to be polite. That was one of the best days of my life. I think we saw Leonardo DiCaprio or something. Those were good days, right? I've hung onto those for so long and they make me cry sometimes. But they're fading now and I'm trying to hold onto them, but I can't. They can't balance out everything else. **_

_**Summer, this is not your fault. You are not even near the list of people I blame. I never want you to think that. You are the one thing that has kept me going for so long and I love you for that, for everything. But its time for you to move on. I'll be ok, I promise. You **_**are **_**allowed to hate me for this. Please do. Please stop loving me, because I want you to live your life and with me in it, I feel like I'm holding you back. **_

_**I love you and I wish I wasn't so weak that I can't even say this to your face. I wish that you can move on from all this. I know you can, because you are strong. So much stronger than me. So be happy. You've already wasted too much of your life on me.**_

_**I love you.**_

_**And I just wanted to say goodbye.**_

_**Love, **_

_**Marissa**_


	4. Summer

_to be hurt_

_to feel lost _

_to be left out in the dark_

The ambulance's horn was blaring, lights flashing as it cut in and out of streets. Summer was clinging to the hospital gurney, looking out the window, anywhere but at Marissa. She couldn't stand to see her like this, bleeding, her face pale, and ... and she looked dead. Summer bit back another sob. An envelope was sticking out of her jacket pocket. She had found it on the kitchen table when she walked in, sitting there in plain view. The usual pile of dirty dishes was gone, the room spotlessly clean.

_Summer frowned, walking toward the kitchen table. She dropped her keys and purse on the counter, along with a bag of groceries._

_"Marissa?" She called, stuffing the envelope with her name on it into her pocket. She made her way through the kitchen, a feeling of dread seeping into her stomach. Marissa's apartment was never this clean, never this quiet. She sped up, worry gnawing at her. She walked through the living room, her heart beginning to race. Nothing there, but just as spotless as the kitchen. "Marissa?" She called again, panic edging into her voice. Fuck, where was the other girl? God knows what she had done. Summer glanced in the bathroom as she passed. Clean, empty. She stepped into the bedroom, hoping, praying, there was nothing there. What she saw made her stop dead still in the doorway. Her heart froze, terror clamping down on her. Her legs were shaking._

_"Coop?" She said quietly, brokenly. She took a step inside, hand on the wall for support. Marissa was lying on the bed, two empty pill bottles on the bedside table. Blood was flowing from her wrists, all over the bed. Her face was pale, lifeless. Summer ran into the room, grabbing Marissa. "Marissa, oh my god. Marissa, wake up, please. Oh god, please." Summer shook the other girl's shoulders, but she didn't react. Looking around the room widly, Summer snatched up the phone, dialing three quick numbers. When someone answered, Summer could barely stutter out a sentence. She grabbed Marissa again, praying that she would wake up, say it was some sort of mistake. But not this, this couldn't be, it had to be something, she couldn't. Oh god, oh my god. "My friend, she won't wake up. She's bleeding-she's bleeding everywhere, ohgod ohgod-"_

The ambulance jolted over a bump and Summer looked up as the young paramedic inserted needles into Marissa's arms. Looking down at her own arms, Summer noticed the dried blood stains on her skin. She scrubbed at them viciously with her fingers, trying to get the blood off of her. Marissa's blood. God, there was so much blood. Tears threatened in her eyes and she scrubbed harder. She felt a hand on her shoulder. Looking up, her scrubbing subsiding, she saw another paramedic offering her a wet cloth. Summer took it, not saying anything and looked down, slowly rubbed away the blood, the frantic from a moment before gone. She looked up at Marissa, her eyes big and scared. Confused.

The lights in the ambulance were glaring, bright and fresh. Summer dropped her head, not able to process anything that was happening. She felt the van squeal to a stop and grasped onto the rails. Quickly, Marissa was pulled out from the ambulance, rushed away on the gurney. Summer stood up slowly, taking the paramedic's hand that was offered to her. She felt so slow, her vision blurred. The paramedic walked her over to a bench and said something that Summer didn't hear. She slumped down on the bench, all thoughts of anything, gone. All she could see were memories. The bed, Marissa, the blood, the empty, clean apartment. Tears spilled onto her cheek, but she didn't feel them. All she felt was the numbing fear that her friend, her _best_ friend, wouldn't be ok.

She had to be ok.

Slowly, Summer pulled the envelope out of her pocket. Her name had been written on the front in Marissa's handwriting,. The edge of the envelope was crinkled, like it had gotten wet. Summer's tears splattered on the envelope, smearing the ink. She wiped the wetness off her face and, with shaky hands, ripped open the envelope. Letting it fall to the ground, she held onto a single sheet of looseleaf paper. The paper was covered in Marissa's handwriting, scratchouts and smeared ink, like she had been crying when she wrote it. Summer held the paper away from her, to keep her own tears off it. Slowly, she began to read.


	5. Jodie

_to be kicked, when you're down_

_to feel like you've been pushed around_

--

Alex shifted through a box of clothes, trying to find her favorite shirt. She dropped a few pairs of jeans onto the ground. They needed to be washed anyway, after living in a cardboard box for a couple weeks. She was standing in the middle of her unfurnished apartment in her underwear, trying to find something to wear. Finally, she pulled a top out from underneath a pile of tank tops. She quickly slipped it over her head and started to pull on a pair of jeans. She glanced up when she heard a knock on the door. Making her way over boxes, pulling up her jeans on the way, she finally got to the door without any permanent injury. She unlocked and opened it to find Jodie standing there, arms crossed.

"Hey." Alex smiled, stepping aside to let the other girl inside. Jodie gave her a wary look.

"Did you break any bones on your way to the door? Cause I heard some crashing." Her eyebrows were raised. Alex rolled her eyes, closing the door.

"Unfourtunately, no, because then I could get out of this dinner. Where are we going?" Jodie shrugged, hopping up on the counter.

"I was thinking Japanese, but whatever you want. It's your 'welcome back to town' dinner." Jodie made air quotes around the last phrase. Alex smiled.

"Yeah, Japanese is fine. Just let me finish getting ready." Alex headed back toward the bathroom.

"K." Jodie picked up a shoebox on the counter. She pulled off the lid, dropping it on the ground. It was stuffed full of pictures and ticket stubs. She grabbed a handful of photos and set the box beside her. The first picture was of her and Alex, sophmore year, she knew, because she had that nose ring that had lasted about two months. She started flipping through the pictures. Most of them were of her and Alex, at school, concerts, home, with friends. There were ticket stubs stuffed between, bands they had seen over their almost three years of dating. Trapt, Counting Crows, Smashing Pumpkins. Jodie smiled when she reached the one for Aerosmith. That had been the first time she told Alex that she loved her. When she had finished with that stack, she set it down and looked behind her.

"Are you ready yet?" Jodie called. Alex leaned out of the bathroom. One eye had eyeliner around it. Alex raised an eyebrow. "I'm taking that as a no." Jodie said, turning around. She grabbed another stack. Suddenly, the pictures stopped being of her and Alex, and switched to Alex with other people. Jodie was assuming this was after they had broken up. She reached one of a dark-haired boy making a face at camera. She raised an eyebrow. She remembered him, he was the guy Alex had dated in her short time in Newport. _Now where's the girl?_ Jodie thought, flipping through the pictures. Slowly, the pictures started to include Jodie again, and then Alex's parents, and then her roommate at college. Soon, they were all of Alex at college with her friends, at parties, in her dorm, on the quad. Jodie frowned, thinking it was kind of odd that Alex didn't have any pictures of the girl that she had left Newport for. But hey, for all she knew Alex could have burned them. She heard footsteps coming up behind her and dropped the photos on the counter, sliding off it.

"Let's go." Alex said, picking up her keys off the table by the door. She started out the door. "Lock it." Jodie turned the lock and followed her out the door. They started down the stairs. Outside there was a pool, light blue and glittering. Jodie smiled.

"Hey, you wanna go for a swim?" She asked, smiling wickedly. Alex laughed.

"No, but you're on when we get back." Jodie started out the gate, but paused.

"Hey, gimme your keys, I left mine in your apartment." Alex tossed her the keys and kept going.

"I'll be in the car." She said. Jodie jogged up the stairs to Alex's apartment and quickly unlocked the door. She ran over to the counter and grabbed her keys. Sitting there, on the edge, was a small box that Jodie hadn't seen before. She paused, looking at it and then turned to go. She had reached the door when she stopped again. "Ok, fine, just look." She said to herself. She went back to the box and opened it. Inside, were about thirty pictures. Jodie started flipping through them. Each one was of Alex and the girl she had dated in Newport, Marissa. There were a few ticket stubs, Rachael Yamagata being one of them. Jodie frowned. Why would Alex keep these in a seperate box? But she quickly closed it and went back out the door. When she reached the car, Alex was already sitting in the driver's seat.

"What took you so long?" Alex asked, starting the car with the keys that Jodie gave her. Jodie shook her head.

"Nothing." They pulled out of the parking lot.


	6. Ryan

**sorry bout the wait...enjoy.**

_to be on the edge of breaking down_

_and no one's there to save you_

_no, you don't know what its like_

_welcome to my life_

The cement was rough and hot from hours under the sun and it scraped against Ryan's face. He lay there for a minute, braced on his hands. He could feel wetness on his cheek and he knew that he had scraped up his cheek pretty badly. He waited for the guy to make his move. Sure enough, he walked over and lifted his foot to kick Ryan in the gut. Ryan waited, his musceles tensing almost imperceptiblely. The foot came toward him and Ryan flipped onto his back, grabbing the guy's foot and twisting it, bringing him to the ground as well. The guy hit hard, an "oomph" escaping from his mouth. Ryan was up in second, his foot on the guy's throat. He glared down at him, catching his breath for a moment.

"The money." He said roughly, pressing down a little on the guy's throat. The guy choked, his hands grasping at Ryan's foot.

"Right pocket." He managed. Ryan leaned down, keeping his eyes on the guy. He reached into his right pocket and pulled out a wad of money. Stuffing it in his pocket, his lifted his foot off the guy's neck. The guy sat up a little, rubbing his throat. Ryan kicked him hard in his ribs, for good measure, and also payback for the fact that half the skin on his cheek was missing. Blood dripped down his neck and he wiped it off, smearing it on his shirt. He turned and walked out of the alley, into a street lit by the slowly setting sun.

Ryan walked into his apartment, stripping his wife-beater off as he did. He sighed heavily and dropped the bloody garment in the trash can. There were plenty more were that came from. He dropped down on the couch and glanced up when he heard Theresa come in the room. She took one look at his face and walked toward the medicine cabinet. Pulling an almost empty first aid kit from it, she crossed the room and kneeled in front of him.

"We're almost out." She said softly. Ryan got too many injuries for all of them to qualify as construction accidents. That's what he wanted her to believe he did, but she knew better. She carefully taped a strip of gauze onto the ripped skin on his cheek. She heard tiny footfalls make their way into the room. Little Ryan stumbled in, wiping sleep from his eyes, his little dinosaur pajamas rumpled and creased. Theresa watched Ryan's eyes light up when he saw his son.

"Hey little man, come here." Ryan smiled and little Ryan stumbled toward his father as fast as he could. He practically fell into Ryan's lap and the blonde man lifted him up easily, sitting him on his knee. Theresa smiled at the two and continued cleaning Ryan' face.


	7. SethAlex

_do you want to be somebody else?_

_are you sick of feeling so left out?_

_are you desperate to find something more_

_before your life is over?_

Seth leaned down, his mouth meeting the blonde's below him. She slid her fingers through his curly hair, pulling him down to her. He came willingly, his fingers fumbling with the buttons on her shirt. She quickly unbuttoned them herself, not breaking their kiss, and slid out of her shirt. Seth pulled away, stripping his off as well. He returned to her mouth. He was undoing his pants when he heard his phone ring. He ignored it and kept kissing the girl beneath him. The phone continued, the annoying ring squealing through his ears. Finally, the girl pulled away.

"Shouldn't you get that?" She asked, dropping her hands from his hair, frustrated or annoyed, Seth couldn't tell. Seth sat up on his knees and picked up the phone, glancing at the caller ID. Summer, it read clearly.

"No." He said, tossing the phone on the ground. He leaned back down to the girl and the ringing stopped. He was just getting back into it when the ringing began again. Jerking away, he sighed. He got off the bed, leaving the blonde on the hard hotel bed by herself and picked up the phone from where he had tossed it. Summer, again.

"Hello?" He asked, as sweetly as he could. He heard someone breathing hard on the other line. Was she crying again? "Summer?" He asked, dropping into the chair in the corner of the room.

"Seth?" She asked. "Oh my god." Her voice was broken and Seth felt a flash of compassion for her that he tried to push away.

"What is it?" He asked sweetly, picking boredly at the chair he was sitting in. He heard Summer take a deep breath.

"Its Marissa, she tried to kill herself. She-she-" Summer broke off, tears in her voice again. Seth stood up quickly. Marissa what?

"She what? Where-where are you?" He asked, grabbing his shirt from the side of the bed. He slide it over his head.

"At the hospital. Do you think- you think you could take off work and come down here?" She asked, her voice rough from crying.

"Yeah, of course." Seth slid on one of his shoes. "I'll be there in a little while." Summer took a deep breath.

"Okay. I love you." Seth paused, sliding on his other shoe, his eyes going to the blonde on the bed.

"I love you too." He closed the phone and waited for the girl to speak. When she didn't, he opened his mouth. "I've got to go."

"Summer?" Anna asked, sitting on the bed half-clothed. Seth nodded.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Alex walked into her apartment, wringing her hair out in her hands. She smiled to herself. Well, she and Jodie hadn't gotten boring like they had always feared they would when they actually grew up and did something. Or at least, Alex hadn't, considering she had pushed Jodie into the pool first. But then again, Jodie had yanked her in after her. Alex let her smile grow to a grin. She had missed Jodie while she had been away school. But what she had really missed was this, coming home to actually sleep, not cram from about thirty books and then go party. Yeah, she had missed sleep.

She pulled off her wet shirt, dropping it in the kitchen. She stepped into the bathroom and slid off her jeans. They stuck to her, sopping wet, and fell in a soggy pile on the tile floor. She turned on the shower, sliding out of her underwear and stepped into the steaming water. God, she had missed hot showers too. She had only been standing there for a minute when she heard her phone ring. _Jodie probably forgot something._ She thought, sighing. _Well, Jodie can just wait till my shower's over. _The phone kept ringing though and Alex realized it wasn't Jodie. Jodie and her ADD personality would have given up five rings ago. She stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her. Hoping it wouldn't take long, she left the shower running.

She picked up the phone and glanced at the caller ID. She sighed. It was going to take a while.

"Hello?" She answered.

"Ms. Kelly?" The person on the other line asked.

"That's me." Alex said. _Ms. Kelly? Isn't it supposed to-. _The person spoke again, interrupting Alex's thoughts.

"We need you down here."

"I don't start until Monday." Alex said, confused.

"We know, but we're running short today. We need you down here soon." Alex paused.

"Uh, ok."

"Alright, we'll see you soon. You know where to go?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Good." With that, the person on the other line hung up. Alex was left with the dial tone ringing in her ears. She pulled the phone down, staring at it like it was its fault that her night was ruined. She sighed and set it back Just as she was going to go change, the phone rang again.

"Hello?" She asked.

"Hey." It was Jodie." I forgot my-"

"I'll leave a key under the mat." Alex said and hung up. She walked back to her bedroom.


	8. Summer2

_are you stuck inside a world you hate?_

_are you sick of everyone around?_

_with their big fake smiles and stupid lies_

_when deep inside you're bleeding_

Summer was sitting in a hard hospital chair, a cold cup of coffee forgotten in her hand. She was staring hard at the wall across from her. People walked up and down the hallway, giving the dark-haired girl sitting by herself sympathetic looks. Summer didn't notice them. She was wrapped up in her her own thoughts. She heard her name called in a familiar voice and looked up.

"Summer." Seth said again, coming closer. Summer stood up, tears beginning in her already red eyes. She put the coffee on the table next to her and fell into Seth's arms, taking comfort in his familiar smell- Summer felt her heart clench. Or, his not so familiar smell. He had that smell on him again, that perfume lingering on his neck and shirt. God, Summer couldn't deal with this, not right now. She tried to ignore it, but the smell was overpowering her. She pulled away, sitting back down. Seth sat down next to her. God, she could not deal with this.

"How is she?" Seth asked, putting his hand on her's. Summer looked down at it.

"They're pumping her stomach. They might have to put her in surgery for her wrists, to repair the veins." Summer said quietly. She sighed. She loved them so much, Seth and Marissa, and she was losing both of them. Seth nodded.

"I came as soon as I could." He said. "Do you want anything?" _For you to love me again_. Summer thought slowly.

"Um, actually I'd like a water or something." She said. Seth stood up.

"Ok, I'll be right back." He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. Summer flinched at the contact, and then immeadiately hoped that Seth hadn't noticed. He hadn't, of course, and he walked off in search of water. She felt calmer, without him near. When had that happened? When had she become more comfortable with him gone than here? When he had taken that job with his father and she hadn't seen him for days on end? Or when he had come home smelling like someone else, claiming he had already eaten dinner and then fell asleep without barely speaking to her. God, when had her life turned into this. She thought back to Marissa's letter. The other girl had it wrong. They didn't love each other or they wouldn't be doing this to each other. A surgeon walked up to Summer, but she didn't look up, too preoccupied.

"Ms. Roberts?" The doctor asked. Summer nodded.

"You can see Ms. Cooper now." The doctor said. Summer glanced up. The doctor gestured toward the room and Summer stood up on shaky legs. She stepped into the room. It was quiet, the humming of all the machines hooked up to Marissa was the only thing breaking the silence. Summer was brought back to years ago when she had seen Marissa like this, after their trip to TJ. That had been a marking point in Marissa's slow descent. There had been good points, high times when Marissa had been happy, like two years ago, but now here they were. _Good times don't count for much when this is where we end up._ Summer thought. She stepped next to the bed. Marissa's eyes were closed, her skin pale. She hadn't been tan for a while. Summer softly stroked Marissa's hair. She sighed. No tears came this time, only sadness.

Summer heard a noise behind her and turned to see Seth standing there, holding a water bottle. Summer regarded him for a second and then made a descision.

"Thanks. You can go back to her now." Summer said, looking straight at Seth. Seth paused halfway across the room, processing the words Summer had just spoken. He seemed to realize something and he glanced away. Silently, he placed the water bottle on the table by the door. He stood there, staring at her, not saying anything for a minute. He seemed desperate for words or emotions, but Summer just regarded him. Finally, he started out the door, but then turned to say something. Summer looked at him, just looked at him with all the pain and betrayal and hurt that she was feeling, all right there in her eyes, and Seth closed his mouth. He stepped outside. Summer sighed and pulled a chair up next to Marissa's bed. Softly, she tucked a strand of hair behind Marissa's ear and then closed her eyes. The tears wouldn't come anymore.


	9. Marissa3

_no, you don't know what its like_

_when nothing feels alright_

_you don't know what its like_

_to be like me_

**two years ago **

**october 12th **

**Ok, so its me again. Summer just left. We had chinese for dinner and we watched this old western movie. I don't know why she loves them so much, but I'll watch them if she'll come hang out with me. We talked about her wedding plans. She wants to get married soon, but Seth wants to wait until he has a steady job. Summer says she can wait, for him. They're already living together, so I don't know what the big rush is.**

**Oh, and guess what? Sober for four months and counting...and completley drug-free for six. I'm so proud of myself. You're allowed to be proud of yourself, right? Cuz I am, a lot. I miss it sometimes, and the fact that I can actually think straight most of the time is driving me crazy, but its worth it to be able to do stuff. Like watch old westerns with Summer. I think we're turning back into best friends again.**

**My mom called yesterday. I talked to her for a little bit. She invited me to Newport for the next few days. She seems to be doing really good, dealing with Caleb's death really well. Its been almost a year, god a year. It flew by for me, with drugs and no drugs and drugs and no..on and on and on. I kind of forgot about my mom, but she seems good. We haven't talked in a long time. But I guess we never did talk. Since she married Caleb, or, while she was married to Caleb, she got saner. I don't know what happened, but maybe she'll stay that way.**

**I'm going to talk to Ryan in a couple of days. While I'm up in Newport. We need to figure things out. I hate that I left him like that after the crash with Volchok, running off to my dad while he was in the hospital. I feel so bad about what happened, but I couldn't help it then. I was guilty and resentful and, god, I was really young back then. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Hell, I still don't. But I do know that I have to finish things with Ryan. We're over, obviously, but we've never said that and I need that. I don't love him anymore. It's a relief, really. I heard he was going out with Taylor Townsend, of all people. That's fucking hilarious. **

**I think I might go see Alex. I don't know what she'll do when she sees me, but see, I have this weird fantasy that she'll welcome me with open arms. I probably need to get rid of that before I actually go see her, since its so not happening. I've been having dreams about her, my sober mind twisting my thoughts. I won't elaborate, but they're pretty...uh...graphic. I moved on for the longest time, you know? I was ok and I dated other people. Of course, I was also pretty wasted most of the time...but, still. Once I got off the "happy juice", as Seth calls it, she started invading my mind again. It always comes back to her, doesn't it? Always. **

**Anyway, I'm going to sleep. I'm supposed to fly back to Newport, (yes fly, my driver's license got revoked after my fifth DUI so I have to waste money for a ten minute flight on a crappy little airplane), tomorrow morning, so I need to rest tonight. Actually get some sleep. I hope this is a turning point for me. I hope that things can be ok after this.**

**But eggs and counting, right?**


	10. Ryan2

_to be hurt_

_to feel lost _

_to be left out in the dark_

Ryan woke suddenly, something jolting him from his sleep. He rubbed his eyes, sleep clouding his mind and looked over at Theresa. She was also awake, frowning, her eyes half-closed. The phone rang loudly, blaring through their ears. Ryan rolled over and picked it up.

"Hello?" He asked, his voice rough from sleep. He glanced at the clock. It was only 12:20, but he was so tired.

"Hey, Ryan?" It was Summer. Ryan stood up, his sleepiness doused by the sound of the brunette's voice. She sounded like she had been crying.

"Yeah. Is something wrong?" She never called him, except when Marissa got really bad. Ryan wondered how bad Marissa would have to be for Summer to call him at 12:20 at night.

"Ryan, Marissa tried to kill herself." Ryan dropped to the bed, his legs completley giving out on him.

"What?" He asked, stunned. He ran his fingers through his hair. "Is she ok, is she gonna be-" Summer cut him off.

"She's ok. They pumped her stomach and had her in surgery, but she's gonna be ok." Ryan couldn't say anything. His mouth was half-open, his mind racing. God, how did this happen?

"Do you want me to-should I come down there?" He asked, his mind going too fast for his mouth to keep up. He had completley forgotten about the girl lying behind him. His savior-complex was taking over, on high-speed because this was Marissa Cooper they were talking about.

"No. She's sleeping right now. But if you wanna come down tomorrow, she'll probably be awake by then."

"Ok. Ok, I'll be down there tomorrow at nine."

"Ok. I'll see you tomorrow." Summer sounded tired, slow. Ryan hung up the phone and sat on the bed in silence for a second. Theresa interrupted his thoughts.

"Who was that?" Ryan turned to her, barely processing her words.

"Uh, Summer." He said slowly.

"Is something wrong?" Theresa asked, moving a litte closer. Ryan nodded and took a dep breath. He hated the words that were about to come out of his mouth.

"Marissa tried to kill herself." He said, watching Theresa's reaction. She put her hand over her mouth, tears sparking her eyes.

"She's gonna be ok." Ryan said, calming the other girl. He needed someone to comfort him. He reached out and drew her into a hug. They sat in silence, worried, about Marissa, about each other, and about what the next few weeks would bring.


	11. JulieKirsten

_to be kicked, when you're down_

_to feel like you've been pushed around_

Julie sat on her bed, the phone forgotten in her hand. Slowly, she let it drop to the ground. She was staring at the wall, staring at it like it was the only thing she could think about. Marissa tried to kill herself. The words invaded her mind, taking over every one of her thoughts. She took a shaky breath. Marissa couldn't try to kill herself, she was her daughter, she was..she was ok. She was supposed to be ok. She pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them. She felt small and scared now.

Tears dropped off her cheeks. She couldn't deal with this. She just...couldn't. Not after Caleb, not after Kailtin leaving, she couldn't deal with this. She needed Marissa to be ok, up in LA by herself. Julie couldn't watch over her there and she had to be ok, because otherwise, Julie had failed. And she had failed, she knew it. She wasn't fit to be a mother, wasn't fit to be much of anything. She let her legs drop back to the ground and took a deep breath.

What she needed to be now was strong. Strong for Marissa, strong for Summer, ineviatibly for Ryan who would show up sooner or later. This is what she did. She was strong, she didn't back down. She hadn't before and she wouldn't now. She would fix things. She pulled out a suitcase, tossing clothes into it. A few minutes passed and her tossing slowed, her tears taking over her actions. Oh god, Marissa.

IOIO

Kirsten woke to the sound of her phone ringing. She glanced over at Sandy, who was still sleeping. Man could sleep through a rock concert. She leaned over to the table beside her bed and picked up her phone. Julie, it read. Kirsten frowned and glanced at the clock. One in the morning. She rubbed sleep out of her eyes and answered the phone.

"Hello?" Her voice was scratchy. She heard crying over the phone. "Julie? Is everything ok?" More crying. "Ju-"

"Kirsten." Julie's voice broke through, soft. "Its about Marissa. She tried to kill herself Kirsten. I don't-I don't-" Her voice broke."-I don't know what to do." Kirsten sat straight up, immeadiatley awake.

"Julie, I'm so sorry. I'll be over in ten minutes. Do you need anything?" Kirsten asked. She heard Julie take a deep, shaky breath.

"I need to see her."

"Ok. We'll drive up there tonight. We'll be there before morning." Kirsten promised.

"Thank you." Julie said quietly. She closed the phone and sat down on her bed.


	12. Summer3

_to be on the edge of breaking down_

_and no one's there to save you_

_no, you don't know what its like_

_welcome to my life_

Summer woke up to soft sunlight, the dawn breaking outside the window. Everything in the room was grey, save Summer's red eyes, dry from a night of crying. She squinted a little and looked down at the girl who's bed her head was resting on. Marissa looked better than she had last night, but still not as alive as Summer would have liked. Of course, she would have liked for Marissa to be somewhere shopping with her right now, not anywhere near the hospital, so her opinion was biased.

She sat up, a yawn overtaking her face. She felt calmer in the morning, her constant racing thoughts slowed down for a little bit. Summer walked into the bathroom and turned on the faucet. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and quickly looked down. She looked like hell. She splashed water on her face, into her eyes. She felt them clear up and when she looked up again they weren't as bloodshot. They just looked tired. There were still dark circles under her eyes, but she didn't really care right now.

Summer walked back into the room to see a nurse checking Marissa. When the nurse saw her she smiled.

"Are you with Ms. Cooper?" The nurse asked. Summer nodded.

"Yeah."

"I'm Sarah. I'll be Ms. Cooper's nurse for the rest of her stay. Are you family?" Summer shrugged.

"Pretty much. I'm her best friend." She sat down in a chair next to the bed. She didn't feel like being polite, or welcoming, or even civilized right now. The nurse, Sarah, seemed to get it and she turned to leave.

"When she wakes up, the button's right there." The nurse pointed to a red button to the side of the bed. Summer nodded and slumped back into her seat. Her phone buzzed from her jacket across the room. She didn't want to get up to get it, her muscles complaining, but she stood up anyway. It was probably work.

"Summer Roberts." She answered, trying to sound professional even though it was barely six in the morning.

"Hey, Summer, you were supposed to call last night and give me that client's number." A familiar voice said. Summer couldn't help but smile when she heard it. She needed a piece of familarity, a semblence of reality, instead of this hell world she had been living in.

"Yeah, sorry." Summer glanced over at Marissa sleeping. "One of my friends had to go to the hospital and I was with her all night."

"Is she ok?" Summer sighed.

"She, uh, she tried to kill herself. So, I guess her body's gonna be ok, but I don't know about the rest of her."

"Summer, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Summer closed her eyes, grateful for her friend's concern. She felt like she had nobody.

"You could try to stall Mr. Kaztekni until I can be there."

"Yeah, sure. What time?"

"I don't know. Like five o'clock?"

"No problem. I'll talk to you later. And I hope your friend gets better."

"Yeah, me too."

"Alright, bye."

"Bye. Oh, and Jodie?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"Anything for you Summer." Summer hung up the phone and glanced up when she heard a knock on the door. Standing there were Julie and Kirsten, both looking worse for the wear. Summer stood up, going to them. She and Julie had never been close, but they both loved the girl lying in the hospital bed. Kirsten placed a soft hand on Julie's back.

"I'm gonna go get some coffee." She disappeared quickly. Summer enveloped Julie in a hug and they both stood there in the early morning light, feeling closer than they ever had. Finally, Summer pulled away.

"How is she?" Julie asked, walking over to her daughter and placing a hand on her forehead.

"Well, she's not drunk or high." Summer made a lame attempt at a joke. Julie didn't say anything and Summer got serious. "She's gonna be ok. She got her stomach pumped and she was in surgery to repair the veins in her wrists." It scared Summer how used to saying that she was. Julie nodded.

"Yeah, that's what you said over the phone. But how is she?" Julie asked, looking up at Summer. Summer shrugged helplessly.

"I don't know, she hasn't woken up yet."

"How much longer?"

"The doctors don't know. Hours or days or...or months. They say days, probably, but it could be months. We don't know know anything, really." Julie looked up at Summer with resignation in her eyes, strength building slowly.

"I guess we'll be here for a while then."


	13. Alex2

_no one ever lied straight to your face_

_no ever stabbed you in the back_

_you might think i'm happy_

_but i'm not gonna be ok_

Alex kept both hands on the wheel, her eyes locked on the freeway. The last thing she needed right now was to fall asleep at the wheel going 70 on a crowded freeway. It was early in the morning, around six, and she was headed back to the hospital. She had been there all night (there had been a shooting at a high school basketball game), and had gotten an hour break to run home, shower and brew about three pots of coffee which she had downed les than ten minutes after they were finished. The hospital needed her again today, until about ten, and Alex was practically chugging the dark liquid in her cup.

She pulled off the freeway onto the exit that led straight to the hospital. She breifly wondered how many people in the cars around her were coming back to work at the hospital and how many were going because they were hurt or having a baby or just had an appointment. By the time she had parked her car and was walking inside the coffee had kicked in. Her eyes were bright, flicking around on hgih speed, taking everything in.

"Dr. Kelly!" A nurse hurried over and thrust a few clipboards into Alex's hands. "Your office is open, the movers fnished this morning. Those are the patients you'll be seeing today." She was already walking off, leaving no time for Alex's quextions. She turned her back and Alex stood there, clipboards balanced in her arms. She had made do in an empty ICU room yesterday, but...where was her office?

Twenty minutes later, Alex walked into her soft-colored office, after finally getting help from another nurse. They were busy people, nurses, always rushing around. She dropped the clipboards onto her neat desk-wouldn't be like that for long-and stretched her weary arms. She paused and noticed the drapes covering a window behind her desk. She walked over and pulled them open, revealing a view of the city, stretching before her, rising over her eyes and dropping below them. It really was a gorgeous view and she wondered how she had gotten it on her first year, much less first day.

Someone knocked on the door, pulling Alex from her thoughts. She let the drapes drop from her hands and turned.

"Come in!" She called. The door opened and a gorgeous brunette walked in. She wore the signature scrubs of a surgeon and she looked a little worse for the wear, her hair pulled into a messy ponytail, her makeup smudged, but she was still unbelievably beautiful. She gave Alex a weary smile and held out her hand.

"Hi, I'm Kerri."

"I'm Alex." Kerri's eyes focused a little more and they swept over Alex in a glaringly obvious once-over. Her smile grew a little more seductive. Their hands met in a short shake and Alex felt a tingling rise up her arm. She returned the smile.

"I'm here about one of my patients." Kerri said, and broke their grasp. Alex nodded and guestured to the seat across from her.

"Okay." She took a seat behind her desk and met Kerri's light brown eyes again. The surgeon leaned back against the seat and sighed.

"She just went through surgery for a bullet wound that she recieved from her husband, when he accidently-" There was a hint of disbelief and disdain in her voice "-shot her in their living room. He claims he thought she was a deer. He was unbelievably drunk. Anyway, she's having some issues about that and about her entire life...which is where you come in." Kerri met Alex's eyes again and smiled. "I know you're the new therapist, but do you think you could talk to her? I know she's not one of your patients-" Kerri gestured at the pile on Alex's desk "-but she really needs this." Alex nodded.

"Yeah, of course. I don't have any appointments until this afternoon, so if she could drop by this morning, I'll talk to her." Kerri's smile grew.

"Thank you so much. This will really help her." She stood up again and sighed, sending a weary look Alex's way. "And now, back into the fray." She said, gesturing toward the door and the chaos that lay behind it. Alex smiled and stood up as well.

"It was great meeting you." Alex said, smiling and meaning it. Kerri matched her smile.

"Yeah, you too. I'll see you around." She walked out the door. Alex watched her leave, her eyes dropping down. The door shut behind the surgeon and Alex smiled to herself. Yeah, she might like this new job. She sat down again and looked at her clipboards piled in front of her. She grabbed the one on the top and started flipping through it. A young boy, terminal, needed someone to talk to. Alex sighed. She hated when she had to talk to children. They were so innocent and so ready for whatever was to come. She couldn't fix them, because they didn't need fixing. She liked the adults better, because they needed, and sometimes actually wanted her help.

She put down the clipboard and picked up another one. Not even glancing at the name, she looked down at the injuries. Self-inflicted cuts, by a knife, to the wrists; immense amounts of prescription drugs in her system. Alex glanced over the names of the drugs. Sleeping pills, headache pills, muscle relaxers, Ritalin; shit, this girl had done it all. No alcohol or drugs other than prescription pills though, which Alex found surprising. She flipped the page. The girl was still in a coma, her family members and friends needed someone to talk to. They had been there for a day or so and one refused to leave her side. Summer Roberts.

Alex paused, thinking. She knew that name from somew-Alex froze. Her heart stopped beating. Every single nerve in her system was tingling. She flipped the page down, back to the first page, and looked at the name. Her heart started racing again, frantically pounding in her chest. Beating at her ribcage like it needed out.

Marissa Cooper.


	14. Ryan3

_everybody else gatting what you wanted_

_you never had to work, yet its always there_

_you don't know what its like_

_what its like_

>>

The light flashed over Theresa's face. She was sleeping in the seat beside him, as he flew down the freeway. The second she had fallen asleep he had started pushing 85. He glanced in the rearview mirror for a millisecond, checking on Ryan in the backseat. The little boy was sleeping soundly, his chest rising and falling. And suddenly, almost unexpectedly, Ryan was left with only his thoughts. They were little fluttery things, the phrases and ideas that winked in and out of existence in his brain. He felt like he had a million things racing everywhere and he couldn't get a handle on any of them.

One hung right in the center of his head though. The simple reaction of doing. So he was doing, he was driving and he was going to do, which was the one thing he knew he was good at. Reacting. Instinctive reactions or well-thought reactions, he didn't bother to seperate them anymore. He just did what his brain told him to do. And right now it was telling him to go to Marissa, uproot from everything he had going and run back to the girl his sanity relied on.

From the moment when he first saw her, she had been his rock of reality, the one thing he could turn to and know would be there. No matter if she had someone else, or was going through something herself, Ryan couldn't bother to find out anymore. She wasn't much of a real person anymore, just a face that promised the usual. He hadn't seen that face in real life for so long, had been relying on pictures and mental images burned into his brain, that it seemed odd to imagine her standing before him, breathing and watching and _being_.

She wasn't Marissa Cooper to him anymore. She wasn't the daughter of divorced and remarried parents, wasn't an alocoholic, wasn't Summer's friend, wasn't social chair, wasn't much of anything with details to Ryan. She was the girl asking for a light outside the Cohens' driveway, the so decievingly simple Newport girl. And he had clung to that and enjoyed that until it was, unavoidably, ripped out from under him. And yet he dove right back in. Countless times she had faded into something increasingly complex and each time Ryan accidentally glimpsed that, she seemed more and more unattainable. And so he wanted her more.

Not, of course, the person that he glimpsed, but the flat mask that she wore so well. And each time he saw her insecurities, it only made him want the blank person she pretended to be even more desperately. Because he knew he could never have her, because deep down, he knew that girl wasn't real. And finally, in a startling break into his self-fashioned world, she had left him. For good. Run off to wherever girls run off to when they can't handle anything anymore and Ryan had been left with memories that he had twisted himself and dreams of a sultry girl with a cigarette between her fingers.

And much to everyone's, including his own, surprise, he had lived. He had broken himself into pieces, had others crush them even smaller, even darker, but he had survived. He had found that deep breath of fresh air, grasped onto that dangling rope, quenched that killer thirst. He had broken his addiction with mere force of will and reality. And yet here he was, flying back to that totally self-destroying girl who had a habit of shattering anyone she loved. And he couldn't wait.

A sign flew over Ryan's head. Los Angeles, 5 mi. His eyes were squinted with sleep and the lights before him were blurred. He hoped he would get there soon, because he couldn't afford to fall alseep at the wheel. Not with his son sleeping behind him. He slowed down a little.


	15. Marissa4

_to be hurt _

_to feel lost _

_to be left out in the dark_

_Marissa held out the bright orange drink to Summer, condensation dripping off the sides and running over her fingers. Summer took it and Marissa wiped her fingers on her bare stomach and took her place next to her best friend. They were stretched out on lounge chairs at one of Maui's best hotels._

_"What's in that?" Marissa asked, as Summer took a sip of the sickly sweet drink Marissa had just tasted. Summer shrugged._

_"Sugar?" She guessed and Marissa laughed. "So, what are we doing tonight?" Marissa slid her sunglasses on and leaned back on her towel._

_"There's a party at a cove by the beach, or we could have dinner with my dad." Summer put her sunglasses on as well and studied her best friend through them. The other girl had matured after a year of living in Hawaii and Summer was proud of her. She wasn't drinking, wasn't doing drugs; she had cleaned up._

_"Let's do both." Summer said, turning her gaze to the pool._

_"I already do." Marissa smirked and Summer laughed._

_"Oh god, bi jokes." Summer groaned. Marissa laughed._

_"Hey, I have a couple." They sat in silence for a minute, watching the teenagers playing in the water before them. They seemed young now, people they had been in their past, people they had passed on from._

_"Do you ever talk to her?" Summer asked. Marissa shook her head, knowing who Summer was talking about and not really wanting to talk about it._

_"No." She paused. "It was just...whatever. She's gone." A hint of bitterness crept into her voice, but she pushed it out. "Its cool." Summer looked over at her, not sure what to say to that. "So...dinner?" Marissa asked._

_"Yeah, let's take these drinks up and change."_

_"I'll call my dad." _


	16. Jodie 2

_to be kicked, when you're down_

_to feel like you've been pushed around_

Jodie pushed through her office door backwards, balancing a cup of coffee in one hand and a clipboard in the other. When she turned she saw her boss sitting in one of the chairs before her desk. Jodie froze, almost losing her grip on her coffee. Then her face broke out in smile.

"You scared me Lindsay." She said, dropping her clipboard next to her red-haired boss. She placed the coffee precariously on a stack of papers. Lindsay scooped it up, taking a long sip.

"And I wondered why all your reports were coffee stained." She said, placing the foam cup safely in the center of the desk. Jodie took another sip then placed it absentmindedly back on the stack of papers.

"So what's up?" Jodie asked. Lindsay sent the coffee another look, but then brushed it from her mind.

"I need you to take over some stuff while Summer's out. By the way, do you now what happened to her?" Lindsay asked, slding into the chair across from Jodie's desk. She picked at the gold buttons sewn into the leather. She wasn't really interested, figured it was something to do with the brunette's needy boyfriend. Seth had always been a hassle. Jodie frowned.

"Yeah, her best friend tried to kill herself or something." Jodie said, sitting down across from Lindsay. The red-head's eyes shot up.

"Marissa tried to kill herself?" The girl looked sincerely worried. Jodie nodded seriously.

"Yeah. Did you know her?" Lindsay nodded absentmindedly, thinking about the skinny brunette who had been so lively the last time she had seen her. How could things go so far? She sighed and glanced out the window.

"Yeah, I knew her. I while ago." Another wave of silence fell between them, but Lindsay quickly recovered, pushing her distracting thoughts into the back of her mind. Marissa was a part of her past now. "I'll go see her this afternoon. Anyway, Mark's coming in this afternoon with the new prints. Can you cover him?" Jodie nodded her head.

"Yeah, sure. No problem." Standing up, Lindsay sent the girl a grateful smile.

"Awesome. See you later." Jodie waved her hand absentmindely and Lindsay walked out. As she hurried down the hall, she frowned, Marissa tried to kill herself...

Jodie started filling out some reports, but quickly lost interest. She let the pen drop to the desk and rested her head in her hands. She wanted to see Summer. She was used to seeing the younger girl every morning, smiling with a cup coffee and conversation for the usually hung-over Jodie. She had been missing for the past two mornings, for different reasons, and Jodie missed her flipping _smell_. It was throwing her off.

She wasn't supposed to get crushes on her co-workers. It wasn't that she had some stupid rule against it, it was just that most people working in fashion were too stuck-up or too rich for Jodie to bother with. Summer was different. But weren't they all? _No, they aren't._ Jodie thought, thinking back to her last disaster of a relationship. Summer really was different.

She was sweet and kind and open and happy-even with an asshole of a boyfriend. Seth had been annoying when Jodie had first met him, almost four years ago, and he had just gotten worse, morphing from a brat to a prick. It had taken Jodie a few random meetings to recognize him as Alex's ex, but he still didn't seem to recall her. That was probably lucky, considering she was crushing on his girlfriend. Jodie wanted to say something to Summer about him, but she felt like she might be making it up for her own reasons.

Finally, the brunette sighed and pushed her chair back. Apparently, the only thing that was going to help this would be seeing the other girl. Jodie could make up something involving Alex. She put her keys in her pocket and walked out the door.


	17. Seth2

_to be on the edge of breaking down_

_and no one's there to save you_

_no, you don't know what its like_

_welcome to my life_

Seth sighed as he slumped down in one of the waiting room's chairs. The room at the front of the hospital was practically empty except for him and couple more people who looked like their lives had just been ripped out from under them. Seth was sure he resembled those people, as much as he wished he didn't. He ran his fingers through his curly hair-dubbed the Jewfro practically cneturies ago-and sighed again.

He had screwed up. He knew he had, god he knew it, but he didn't know what to do about it. How do you go about fixing something that's been broken for ages and just collapsed through your fingers? And even more importantly, what if you were the person who had been ripping it apart? Because he could admit that, even if it was the only thing. Even if he could barely stand to think about _what _he had done, he would admit he had done it.

He wasn't sure if Summer knew though. She knew in theory, sure, but in reailty, he didn't think she would ever really guess. Not with Anna. And knowing Summer, she would never think about it. She would just block it out. Accept facts and move on.

So Seth was left in the dust, a shattered life pricking at his fingers.

He didn't know what to do with Anna. Wasn't sure what he should tell her. He's kept her at arms length for so long, slowly pulling her heart apart, cutting her off. He had kept Summer away in the same way and now he felt utterly alone. His inability to make a descision and stick with it was always the death of him. And his disbelief that anyone would readily stay with him made him keep people away. It was easier to lose them when you knew you had earned it.

And he had earned it.

So he was slumped in an itchy blue chair, watching the sunny day outside and wondering if Marissa had the right idea. Not really coherently thinking, just letting thoughts jumble their way around his mind. Each one started a new train of thought, a different rush of memories. His phone had buzed in his pocket a bunch of times, but he hadn't even moved. He'd been here all night and now into the morning and he didn't plan on leaving. Everything that meant something, everything that he had known all his life was only four floors away. You don't just walk away from that.

No matter how much you know you'll never have it back.

He knew this was letting go. He could feel it running through him, the loss of all these pent up emotions. All the broken promises he had faltered on. Every ignored phone call and fake business trip. He was regretting each and every one of them with equal hurt, no matter what the action had been. Examining each one and slowly releasing it. Burrowing down to where he was still utterly infatuated- completely in love- with Summer. Where all his trangressions made him ache the most. Where he hadn't just been hurting other people.

Where all the invisible scars were.

They were all self-inflicted.

And he was too confused to even attempt coherency, much less follow through on it. So, he ran his hand through his hair again and sighed. Thought about getting coffee and rejected it. And started all over again.

Because you don't just walk away from that.


End file.
